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willnothideFili is alive.
It's all Kili had needed to hear to make him move, and he clutches his rune stone in his fist as he runs through the trees and back to that great expanse of green where he'd woken to those of the race of Men mulling about aimlessly, so unlike what he's doing now. Tauriel had offered an explanation, one that Kili isn't sure he understands because she speaks of a land he does not know, this Darrow that he's never heard of in any stories from his elders, and he'd been certain that she was only a dream, a figment of his own imagination sent to guide him to where he truly belongs, reunited with his brother in the Halls of Waiting until Arda is built again.
She had offered no guidance, at least not the sort he would have expected, but the moment Tauriel had told him she'd seen Fili here, Kili's heart had stopped as surely as if he'd been pierced by Bolg's stake all over again. Later, he might feel a sense of guilt at rushing away from her when she'd expressed such sorrow at seeing him again, both of them sure that the other couldn't be real, but Kili's greatest loyalty has always been to his brother and even in death, that could never change. The stone he holds in his hand had been given to him in exchange for a promise, that he'd return to his mother, and Kili had passed it on to Tauriel in hopes that in the end, both would promises would be fulfilled. He'd failed his mother but now, he makes a new promise, one to his brother that he will find him in this foreign place so that they can be together again. There's an emptiness in Kili, a void that had grown wider from the second he'd seen Fili fall, but the hope of finding his brother alive drives him forward.
Whether Erebor had been reclaimed, he cannot know, but if Kili has been given this chance, a chance to live again with his brother by his side, there is nothing he can do but whatever is in his power to take it. "Run!" Fili had cried, and so Kili does. He won't rest, he'll search every corner of this Darrow if he must, but if Fili is here as Tauriel says, Kili will find him.
It's all Kili had needed to hear to make him move, and he clutches his rune stone in his fist as he runs through the trees and back to that great expanse of green where he'd woken to those of the race of Men mulling about aimlessly, so unlike what he's doing now. Tauriel had offered an explanation, one that Kili isn't sure he understands because she speaks of a land he does not know, this Darrow that he's never heard of in any stories from his elders, and he'd been certain that she was only a dream, a figment of his own imagination sent to guide him to where he truly belongs, reunited with his brother in the Halls of Waiting until Arda is built again.
She had offered no guidance, at least not the sort he would have expected, but the moment Tauriel had told him she'd seen Fili here, Kili's heart had stopped as surely as if he'd been pierced by Bolg's stake all over again. Later, he might feel a sense of guilt at rushing away from her when she'd expressed such sorrow at seeing him again, both of them sure that the other couldn't be real, but Kili's greatest loyalty has always been to his brother and even in death, that could never change. The stone he holds in his hand had been given to him in exchange for a promise, that he'd return to his mother, and Kili had passed it on to Tauriel in hopes that in the end, both would promises would be fulfilled. He'd failed his mother but now, he makes a new promise, one to his brother that he will find him in this foreign place so that they can be together again. There's an emptiness in Kili, a void that had grown wider from the second he'd seen Fili fall, but the hope of finding his brother alive drives him forward.
Whether Erebor had been reclaimed, he cannot know, but if Kili has been given this chance, a chance to live again with his brother by his side, there is nothing he can do but whatever is in his power to take it. "Run!" Fili had cried, and so Kili does. He won't rest, he'll search every corner of this Darrow if he must, but if Fili is here as Tauriel says, Kili will find him.
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Date: 2015-01-16 10:40 am (UTC)It has, all told, been the worst week of Fíli's life.
He is slowly coming to accept that there is no going back, that this is where his life must be now, but it's a hard thing to do, to even think about moving forward when all you've ever loved is behind you. The city itself is hard, with little comfort to be had, and Fíli has found himself drawn more and more often to the swathe of cool green in its center - Petros Park, he'd heard it called - to seek what little peace he can get in this world.
Today, he's tucked himself amongst the roots of one of the trees that grows off the path, close enough that he can be seen, should anyone come looking - and that's pure instict, still, the need to ensure that he can be found - but far enough away that people aren't likely to disturb him. He leans back against the trunk, watching the light play through the leaves, and pensively rolls his mother's bead between his fingers. It had been one of her most precious possessions, and when she'd pressed it into his hand, the night before they set out for the Shire, it had been with an admonition that she would be very upset if it wasn't returned to her at the end of their quest. Even as he'd promised to bring it back safe to her, he'd known it was meant to guarantee Kíli's return as much as his own - that she knew, as he did, that he would come back with his younger brother at his side or he would not come back at all.
He can't bring it back now - the bead had been in his pocket during the battle and had been brought here with him - but there's some comfort in knowing that, even if he couldn't keep his explicit promise, he'd kept his implicit one, kept Kíli safe.
"I'm sorry, 'amad," he whispers. "I tried my best."
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Date: 2015-01-16 11:40 am (UTC)He pauses as he considers what he should do next because there are Men and women and children staring at him, though he knows not why or whether it's for how wild his hair must be and how different the gold chainmail of his armor is from the strange dress of the rest. Kili realizes that that it may have been the slightest bit rash to leave Tauriel behind when she is the only one between the two of them who is familiar with this place. Still, the task to find his brother is his own and one that he will carry out gladly because if it means that the last thing he sees of Fili isn't that vacant stare that haunts him even in this moment, Kili will be grateful for it.
His brother had sacrificed his own safety, his own life, to ensure Kili's safety and quite suddenly, he fears that Fili might be disappointed in him for throwing himself so heatedly into a battle that could not be won by one. No, he reminds himself with a shake of his head, Fili would understand because Kili is sure he'd have done the same if Kili had died first--and Mahal, a part of him wishes he had, if only because of the selfish wish that he wouldn't have had to watch his brother fall. Is it a coward's wish, he wonders, to be the one to die first? To know that at least he wouldn't have to watch the ones he loves in their deepest throes of pain? Fili had fought until his last breath, like a true heir of Durin, but Kili desperately aches for his last memory of his brother to be different.
It renews his sense of purpose and with a resolute nod, he turns to his right to start his trek, only to be stopped in his tracks again a mere twenty strides in. His eyes have always been sharp and his aim deadly with a bow and arrow, it's part of what Thorin had said, to Kili's great delight, made him a valuable part of the company, but he isn't sure he trusts them because what he sees now is exactly what he's been looking for and it cannot be that easy. He cannot have found his brother when his search has only just begun, and he takes a few more steps forward without breaking his gaze as he takes in the blonde hair, the braids, the way of dress and the demeanor, and it doesn't take much longer to accept the truth.
It is Fili. He's found his brother.
"Nadad," he murmurs, his voice small and wavering as if he were still a child, and Kili can feel his eyes welling with tears he won't let fall because he can remember his days as a dwarfling when he'd tried so hard to put on a brave face during the darkest nights. Fili had seen through him, as he's always been able to, and had pulled Kili close to his chest to soothe him to sleep. They'd continued on that way, never far apart at all when they settled down to rest, and all Kili can think of right now is how much he'd like to fall asleep next to his brother so he can wake up to find this hasn't all been a dream.
"Fili!" Kili calls, louder this time, clearer, and he shouldn't be using their secret language in the presence of Men, but he can hardly think straight in the face of being so close to Fili. He breaks into a sprint, still clutching his rune stone in his hand, and sends a quiet thanks to their Maker for returning his brother to him. "Fili, nadad, please, is it really you?"
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Date: 2015-01-18 04:33 am (UTC)He knows he's sleeping, because his brother is calling his name, and that never happens anymore, save in his restless dreams. He looks up at the cry nonetheless, and Kíli is there, right there, almost close enough to touch.
"I'm dreaming," he murmurs. "You cannot be real. You cannot be here." There are tears in Kíli's eyes, and Fíli wants nothing more than to gather him into his arms the way he had when they were younger and Kíli had pretended he wasn't crying despite the fact that they both knew better.
He doesn't move. This is a dream, after all, and if Fíli holds his brother here, he thinks he will break.
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Date: 2015-01-18 09:53 am (UTC)The day Kili thinks of now as he stands frozen in place, facing Fili with wide, wet eyes and parted lips that seems to move of their own fruition and form Fili's name again and again without making any more sound at all, is the one he'd traveled a bit too far into the forest, paying no mind to the way the path seemed to get darker as he searched for the perfect tree to use as his hiding spot. He doesn't know how long he'd stayed hidden in the branches, only that it'd seemed like forever before he'd realized that he hadn't yet heard the crunch of leaves beneath his brother's approaching feet or that he hadn't heard Fili call his name at all.
The sun had set by the time he'd been found, trembling and whimpering in the tall oak until finally, the panicked cries of Fili and their uncle, even Masters Dwalin and Balin, sounded from the forest floor. It had been the first time Kili can remember seeing his brother cry, and he'd reached out in wonder to wipe the tears from Fili's face when his brother had pulled him into his arms for a tight hug.
"Birashagamm," Fili had murmured, I'm sorry, over and over until Thorin had gently, more gently than Kili had ever seen him, urged them back home.
It isn't until Kili manages to shake himself from the memory that he takes his first step. He'd lost his brother, there is no image more vivid in his mind than that of seeing Fili fall, of looking down upon that vacant stare that Kili knows will haunt him until Mahal lays him down to rest, but as clearly as he can see his brother's death, Kili can now see him very much alive. He might have thought it a dream if Tauriel hadn't already told him that Fili lives but even so, he knows not what to make of it. He'd been ready to travel to the Halls of Waiting, if only because he'd been desperate for a moment quite like this, but for a purpose he cannot understand, they have both been revived and brought to this place.
He doesn't need to understand, Kili thinks, not now. Not when his brother is here and there are tears freely streaming down his cheeks now, and he doesn't think he's cried so much in a day as he has on this day but in this moment, Kili has little concern for appearing fit to be an heir of Durin. "I am," he says with another step, arms already lifting because he still feels like a dwarling again, ready to be taken into his brother's arms with no concern for anyone else around them. "I am real, brother, I am here."
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Date: 2015-01-21 06:32 am (UTC)"You're here."
Something stirs within him, something that has been frozen since he woke in the woods, and then all at once it shatters, and Fíli makes a noise like he's dying as he surges forward to pull his brother into his arms. There are tears spilling down his face, soaking into his hair and Kíli's shoulder, and he hasn't cried in years, but he doesn't care, not now, not when his brother is here with him once more.
"Nadad," he whispers into his brother's hair, over and over again, "Oh, nadad, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."
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Date: 2015-01-26 04:23 am (UTC)It is real, he reminds himself, it has to be. The scar left on his chest and, he imagines, his back are enough to prove to Kili that the battle for Erebor hadn't simply been a nightmare, that the entire journey had ended with the death of the one person he knows he could never truly live without, but he's having difficulty with quieting the voice in his head that tells him that he will lose this again. Slowly, carefully, he wraps his arms around his brother and it isn't long before his knees start to give out and he sags against Fili until they've fallen to the ground, still clinging at each other without any sign of letting go.
"You're sorry?" he asks, his voice merely a whisper, and he tightens his arms around his brother's waist and shakes his head before resting his cheek on Fili's shoulder. "No, Fili. No, I'm the one who should be sorry. I'm the one who let you-- Mahal forgive me, I should have been there, I shouldn't have let you go any further on your own. It's my fault, it's my fault." He can feel his body trembling in Fili's arms, just short of rocking back and forth as he gives in to the shock of seeing his brother in motion because he can't get it out of his mind, that relentless and empty stare. There are so many things he wishes he'd done differently, so many things he's sure he could have changed if only he hadn't been so foolish as to leave his brother behind, but he supposes that it matters very little now that they're here.
"Do not leave me again," he murmurs, a plea more than anything because he knows without a doubt that he wouldn't survive losing his brother a second time. Kili feels more and more like a child with each passing moment in Fili's arms, but he's not ready to let go. He doesn't know if he'll ever be ready to let go. "I'll be better this time, you must believe me. Wherever we are, whatever we're meant to do here, just promise me you'll stay."
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Date: 2015-01-31 06:51 am (UTC)Kíli's shaking, he can feel it, and all he can do is tighten his grasp and hold him closer, run a gentle hand over his hair the way Thorin had with their mother, sometimes, back when he was just Uncle Thorin and not their king.
"Leave you?" A week ago, he would have laughed at the very thought. Now, though, the plea in Kíli's voice just makes his heart ache. "Never. Never again. You don't have to be better; you don't have to be anything. I'll stay, I promise. I'll stay."
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Date: 2015-02-02 04:14 am (UTC)He'd slept closer to Fili than usual that night, clinging loosely to his brother's sleeve because he'd wanted to make sure even in his sleep that nothing else would tear them apart.
"If we'd stayed together like Thorin intended for us to do, it might have been different," he continues, pulling back just slightly so he can meet Fili's eyes. There's pain in them, and Kili hates to think he might be a cause of it, but he's sure it's only reflected in his own. He forces a small smile, shaking his head just slightly as he thinks of what Thorin would say to them now. He doesn't picture a King, not in this moment, but the uncle they'd known when they'd been much younger, before Thorin's duty to his kingdom had visibly outweighed his duty to his nephews.
"It doesn't matter now, does it? You're here."
It does, he thinks, it matters quite a lot, but he wants to forget all of this for a moment. He doesn't want to have to explain to his brother that Kili, in a blind rage, had rushed to avenge him only to end up dead himself. He's made a choice not to tell Tauriel that part of it, and he thinks he ought to do the same here. Watching Fili die had already destroyed him, having to watch Fili learn that Kili, too, hadn't survived the battle... Selfish as it may be, he can't bear it.
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Date: 2015-02-08 12:23 am (UTC)Had he lived? It's been a week since the battle, but people, even mortally injured ones, can cling to life for days before succumbing to their wounds, and Kíli's always had a stubborn streak. But Tauriel had been alive when she arrived here, Fíli knows that much, so Kíli wouldn't have had to have died for the city to claim him. He could have lived, then, could have just turned around one day and found himself here, vanished out of Erebor like he'd never been there at all.
"I'm here," he says. "And so are you, thank Mahal, but... I hope the rest of the Company is alright." He means Thorin, mostly. It had seemed, in the moments before the battle, that his uncle's madness had been broken, but if it came back... Kíli, who might have had a shot at getting through to him, is here now, and given what had happened on the battlements, Bilbo, who could get through to him, had no doubt left Erebor as soon as the battle was won. And it had been won, it must have been. Fíli refuses to consider the other option.
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Date: 2015-02-09 05:34 am (UTC)He remembers very vividly what it had felt like to watch his brother fall, to see the light faded from Fili's eyes and to know in a sudden rush of grief that he would never hear his brother say his name again. If he can save Fili from that at least, he'll consider it a brotherly duty that hasn't failed.
"I'm sure they're all fine," he continues, nodding firmly. "Thorin would have had Azog and Bolg's heads for what they'd done, I don't doubt it and neither should you." He forces a smile that reaches his eyes, though his hands still tremble against Fili's back. "Let us forget it for now. Whatever happened, it's been undone and as long as this world doesn't take you from me again, I'll be glad for it. In any case, whoever rules this place has seen fit to give me a place to sleep right next to where you are. We should go, find food and drink and-- And-- Well, we should go."
He will not rest tonight, even with Fili back at his side. Kili won't rest much in the next couple weeks, he thinks, not when he so fears that a mere blink of an eye will see his brother gone and as they start their journey back to Candlewood, he makes sure to keep close enough to Fili that their shoulders bump with every step. He will not lose his brother again. Kili simply won't allow it.