i saw the light fade from the sky
Dec. 17th, 2014 01:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
willnothideWhen Kili wakes, it's with a whimper.
He gasps for air next, eyes widening with panic as he clutches at his chest, searching for a wound he was quite sure had existed a mere moment ago and one that he cannot find now. Perhaps he'd imagined it, he thinks, though the ache that remains is something he cannot quite explain. He wears his armor but this is not Erebor, not Eren Luid, not even the green of the trees he can see above him can make him believe that he is in Hobbiton; no, it is a place that is entirely unfamiliar, but that is not of his concern, not yet.
"Fili," he grunts through ragged breath, "Fili, I've just had the strangest dream." He pauses, waiting for an answer but frowning when he receives none. "Brother? Nadad?"
Kili reaches a hand out to his side, expecting to be able to shake his brother awake but when he finds only grass beneath his fingers, he finally turns his head to the side to see nothing but empty space beside him. "Nadad?" he calls out again, and it hasn't been often that he's spoken in Khuzdûl on their journey, for it is not meant for anyone but their own to hear, but Kili has already sensed it. As sure as he is that he is now alive, he knows that his brother is not with him. It isn't until Kili sits up that he realizes that he is not, in fact, alone.
There are people around him, Men and women and children, all faces he does not recognize and in strange dress, the likes of which he has never seen. His breathing grows heavy, and it's then that Kili opens the fist still held against his chest to find his stone. The rune stone, the one that his mother had given him, sits as heavy in his hand as the weight of his failure to keep his promise to her does in his mind. Innik dê. Return to me. He hadn't, he won't, and Kili doesn't know by what means the stone has come back to him when he had passed the promise on to another, but he pushes himself to his feet so he can stumble into the nearby wood. He is grateful that those around him seem to pay him so little mind because Kili is certain he could not bear any pity for the tears that escape down his cheeks as his memories of his brother and of Thorin, of Erebor, of Tauriel and his own last moments, come rushing back to him.
He remembers it all now as he pushes his way through the trees: Thorin's cries and Fili's lifeless eyes when he had landed dead in front of him. He remembers the fury that had entirely outweighed his fear as he'd worked so hard to climb the stairs because in that moment, with his brother's pleas for them to run, to save themselves when it was so clear that they could do nothing to save him, ringing fresh in his mind, Kili had wanted nothing more than to destroy the monster that had killed his brother. He remembers Tauriel calling out his name, remembers Bolg driving that weapon into his chest, and he remembers looking into the elf maiden's eyes and knowing. Yes, he had known, Tauriel had come back for him. Amrâlimê, he'd told her once, and Thorin may well have had his head if he'd found out Kili spoke their secret language to an elf, but he is sure even now in his heart that it had been worth the risk. Amrâlimê, innik dê. Kili hadn't been able to save his brother nor truly avenge him, he hadn't been able to to see his mother join them in their rightful kingdom, but Kili remembers closing his eyes and taking comfort in knowing he was still loved before reuniting with his brother in the afterlife.
But everything is gone now.
Kili falls to his knees at the force of the realization, the stone dropping heavily to the forest ground, and he buries his head in his trembling hands as he tries to keep his mournful sobs quiet, even as they threaten to be torn from his throat with every breath he takes. He doesn't know much time passes before he hears the footsteps nearby, but they barely causes him alarm in his state because if he has lost everything, Kili doesn't know what he has to live for here. He misses it brother, he feels that so deeply, and it's worse now than it was when it happened because at least then, he was still fighting. He has no fight left in him anymore.
"Please," he whispers. "By Mahal, please, if I have been spared then take me again because there is nothing for me here."
He gasps for air next, eyes widening with panic as he clutches at his chest, searching for a wound he was quite sure had existed a mere moment ago and one that he cannot find now. Perhaps he'd imagined it, he thinks, though the ache that remains is something he cannot quite explain. He wears his armor but this is not Erebor, not Eren Luid, not even the green of the trees he can see above him can make him believe that he is in Hobbiton; no, it is a place that is entirely unfamiliar, but that is not of his concern, not yet.
"Fili," he grunts through ragged breath, "Fili, I've just had the strangest dream." He pauses, waiting for an answer but frowning when he receives none. "Brother? Nadad?"
Kili reaches a hand out to his side, expecting to be able to shake his brother awake but when he finds only grass beneath his fingers, he finally turns his head to the side to see nothing but empty space beside him. "Nadad?" he calls out again, and it hasn't been often that he's spoken in Khuzdûl on their journey, for it is not meant for anyone but their own to hear, but Kili has already sensed it. As sure as he is that he is now alive, he knows that his brother is not with him. It isn't until Kili sits up that he realizes that he is not, in fact, alone.
There are people around him, Men and women and children, all faces he does not recognize and in strange dress, the likes of which he has never seen. His breathing grows heavy, and it's then that Kili opens the fist still held against his chest to find his stone. The rune stone, the one that his mother had given him, sits as heavy in his hand as the weight of his failure to keep his promise to her does in his mind. Innik dê. Return to me. He hadn't, he won't, and Kili doesn't know by what means the stone has come back to him when he had passed the promise on to another, but he pushes himself to his feet so he can stumble into the nearby wood. He is grateful that those around him seem to pay him so little mind because Kili is certain he could not bear any pity for the tears that escape down his cheeks as his memories of his brother and of Thorin, of Erebor, of Tauriel and his own last moments, come rushing back to him.
He remembers it all now as he pushes his way through the trees: Thorin's cries and Fili's lifeless eyes when he had landed dead in front of him. He remembers the fury that had entirely outweighed his fear as he'd worked so hard to climb the stairs because in that moment, with his brother's pleas for them to run, to save themselves when it was so clear that they could do nothing to save him, ringing fresh in his mind, Kili had wanted nothing more than to destroy the monster that had killed his brother. He remembers Tauriel calling out his name, remembers Bolg driving that weapon into his chest, and he remembers looking into the elf maiden's eyes and knowing. Yes, he had known, Tauriel had come back for him. Amrâlimê, he'd told her once, and Thorin may well have had his head if he'd found out Kili spoke their secret language to an elf, but he is sure even now in his heart that it had been worth the risk. Amrâlimê, innik dê. Kili hadn't been able to save his brother nor truly avenge him, he hadn't been able to to see his mother join them in their rightful kingdom, but Kili remembers closing his eyes and taking comfort in knowing he was still loved before reuniting with his brother in the afterlife.
But everything is gone now.
Kili falls to his knees at the force of the realization, the stone dropping heavily to the forest ground, and he buries his head in his trembling hands as he tries to keep his mournful sobs quiet, even as they threaten to be torn from his throat with every breath he takes. He doesn't know much time passes before he hears the footsteps nearby, but they barely causes him alarm in his state because if he has lost everything, Kili doesn't know what he has to live for here. He misses it brother, he feels that so deeply, and it's worse now than it was when it happened because at least then, he was still fighting. He has no fight left in him anymore.
"Please," he whispers. "By Mahal, please, if I have been spared then take me again because there is nothing for me here."
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Date: 2014-12-28 03:11 am (UTC)It had come upon her suddenly, the memories of events that had not happened to her yet, though she knew they were true all the same. Kili almost dying from the poison and how she saved him. The great dragon Smaug and his death by Bard. Parting with Kili to go with Legolas. The Orc armies. Ravenhill. And Kili. Her Kili.
She choked back another sob as it hurt anew at the memory. Why would this place gift her with such things if not to wound her beyond her ability to heal? What did it gain for so cruelly torturing her with a love gained and lost?
Better to have never loved at all than to have loved and lost.
It was some time until she noticed that her cries of mourning were not the only ones in the forest that day. She was angered, at first, for another daring to intrude on her grief, but her anger quickly gave way to weariness. Tauriel did not have it in her heart to hate another who seemed to be feeling a portion of her own grief.
Numb, she wandered through the forest, only belated realizing that she drew nearer to the sound, so quiet that surely no human years could have heard it. Perhaps because of her own pain she was more sensitive to it, perhaps her grief called out for a companion.
She was still a ways off when she recognized the form of the one sobbing. It was a form she knew all too well, having seen it in visions these past days. It was a form that could not exist in this world. Not like that.
"Eru, what have I done to deserve this?" she gasped. "Why would you show me the one I love? The one that I can never be with. Who would do such a thing?!"
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Date: 2014-12-28 10:27 am (UTC)"It is a trick," Kili says, eyes cast down to the forest ground as he resolutely refuses to look up at what he cannot allow himself to believe is there. In Lake-town, he'd thought Tauriel's presence to be a dream, for he couldn't fathom then why she would have come for him. He knows the truth now, that she'd loved him like no other ever has, but Kili had been a fool. Thorin would have told him that if he'd recognized what Kili had become, lovesick for an elf maiden whose beauty defies the starlight, but Tauriel had come for him then. She cannot be here now. It is his wish that she isn't here now because if she is, it can only mean that he is in some strange sort of afterlife, and she is, too. He would not have that. As Durin will awake, he would die a hundred times over if it would mean she could live and his death would not be in vain.
"I couldn't save my brother, at least let me have saved her," he says, burying his face his hands. "Galabi banth mukhuh tanni mudtu tutur." It's a saying Thorin had taught him long ago, when he'd been but a young dwarf still learning the ways of the world, and Kili has kept it close to heart.
"'Sworn word may strengthen quaking heart,'" his uncle had said, and Kili can hear his voice as clearly now as he had then. Thorin had always spoken more softly to him, more gently than to Fili, though neither he nor his brother had ever dared to point it out to anyone. "When you are in doubt, my sister-son, remember where your loyalties lie. When you are afraid, you remember me. Remember your mother and your brother. It will help you find strength again."
Kili had. His thoughts had been of Thorin, of Dis, above all of Fili, but when he'd taken his last breath, his final struggle had not been to live a moment longer but to ensure that the last thing he would see in that life would be of Tauriel. He looks up now, though he fears what he may find, and when their eyes meet, Kili feels it. A spark of strength stirs in him and for the first time since he'd woken, he remembers something other than despair.
He lowers his hands to the ground, prepared to run if this is naught but an image conjured to cause him pain, and he wants to wipe the tear stains from his cheeks but he has but one question he must ask first. "Please. Tell me now, are you real?"
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Date: 2014-12-29 04:33 am (UTC)"Oh Kili, must you always doubt my presence?" she asked. The smile she gave him was tired and took great effort, but it was genuine and more than she had given anyone else these last days. Whatever force may be sending this vision, she will not let it rob her of the joy at seeing him again, no matter the intent behind this. She would take what joy she could in being reunited with the one she loved.
"I am real but I fear that you are not," she told him, reaching out to brush away the tears upon his cheeks. This is not how she wished to remember him. For all that she was the one who should walk in starlight it was Kili who was the brighter of the two. What use had she of starlight when Kili shone ever brighter? "For I saw you die and while I avenged you, I know such a thing would not bring you back. I know not for what purpose such a vision of you has been brought to me but I will take what joy in it that I may find. It is good to see you again."
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Date: 2015-01-05 06:17 am (UTC)"You were light in darkness," he murmurs, taking in a ragged breath as he leans his cheek further against her touch. "I think you could have loved me longer, given the chance."
Tauriel says she'd watched him die and that alone is enough to convince Kili now that he truly must have been sent to Mahal. Or perhaps, he considers, this is where he's been sent to wait. Perhaps in time, he'll be reunited with his brother, restored to Fili's side where he's always belonged. He can think of no other reason why he'd be punished like this, and he only hopes this doesn't last. A lifetime sentence of being so close to her and yet so impossibly far would be cruel enough but to rob him of the chance to lay eyes upon his brother again, to keep him from knowing the fate of his uncle and whether Erebor had been reclaimed, seems worse than having that stake pierce him again and again. He'd take the pain if it would mean he'd know his loved ones were, in their own ways, at peace.
But this? This is akin to torture. All his life, Kili has played the part of the reckless brother, the youngest, the most foolhardy and impulsive and hotheaded, but it isn't until this moment that he's asked himself to what end? If he'd heeded Thorin's orders, if he'd stayed with Fili rather than let his brother walk into the arms of danger all on his own, neither of them might have died. They've always been stronger when they're together, hardly ever separated from the time Kili could walk, and now there is an ache, a wound caused by no Morgul weapon, in his chest that he knows will never heal.
"Will you stay with me?" It cannot last, he knows that, but he intends to hold on to the only bit of good left in his empty life for as long as he's able, even if she's merely a ghost of a memory. "I cannot bear to be alone, please... Please stay with me."
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Date: 2015-01-08 05:16 am (UTC)"I would not leave you for this little time we may have together," she said, reaching out to brush several strands of hair from his face. So handsome in ways that Men and Elves were not. There was a ruggedness to his expression, but a nobleness of well that spoke of his royal bloodline. But there was mirth and playfulness in his eyes and the corner of his mouth that no king she knew of possessed. It was what first drew her to him and she was pleased to see that it remained even in death, even in sorrow.
"And I would have loved you for all eternity, my Kili. Though the pain of losing you I fear is more than I can bear. Never have I felt such grief, to know love so briefly before it was lost. I do not wish your sacrifice to be in vain but I do not know how to live with such pain."
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Date: 2015-01-14 03:27 am (UTC)Thorin has said that to him and Fili both more than a few times, as if desperate for his nephews not to forget it, though Kili had never fully understood the importance of it until now. He would have thought that he'd find Fili in this place, whatever it is, because it's always been Fili. His brother has always been the one to guide him when Kili had been lost, even if he hadn't known he was, and he wouldn't have considered anything different even in the wake of their deaths. The mere memory of that, of Fili's empty gaze, sends a sharp pain through him even as he tries to remember that he's still of the line of Durin and never do the line of Durin fleet from any fight. This one, this fight, requires a strength of heart gone still. It requires acceptance that he is where he should be now, that there's nothing more for him to do.
Still, it feels like hiding.
Kili can hear his uncle's words ringing through his head again as clearly as if he were here beside him, though he suspects there would be a great deal more of unrestrained anger in Thorin's voice if he could see the way Tauriel is touching him. It is strange, he thinks, that she would be the one to find here but it only proves Thorin right. He'd found her. By Mahal, he'd found her, and she will be the one to take him home.
Kili covers her hand with his own, allowing himself this moment to revel in the smoothness of her skin and the gentle brush of her fingertips against his own. He remembers reaching out for her hand that night in Bard's home, still so certain that she could only be dream, but oh, how real she feels now. He only wishes that they could have more than just these fleeting moments together, and Kili has to wonder how much longer they have now.
"You're to guide me then," he says, more of a question than a statement, "and when I've reached the halls of the Maker, we will part again."
He wills her to tell him differently but there is no hope left for them in his heart. Kili will lose her again, he's never been so certain of anything, but the one consolation he has is that he's sure to see his brother again. To give one up to gain another causes an ache in him that he can hardly carry but what choice does he have now? Choice had been taken from him the moment he'd taken his last breath.
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Date: 2015-01-17 04:52 am (UTC)She smiled fondly at him. Even now he did not seem to understand what was occurring, that this was not real. This could not be real because fate was not so kind. That was a lesson that had been hard learned recently and one that she did not care to repeat by letting herself believe again that she and Kili could be together. The ache was already too still and seeing him had only kindled the pain.
Even now though she could not deny that she loved him. A part of her may wish that she did not, to protect herself from this pain that would surely last longer than the brief time that she had known him. But how could she deny the power of such a feeling? Surely no mere infatuation could hold say over her.
"There are no such Halls here," she said, leaning down to press a kiss to his forehead. How she wished that it were possible to hold this moment forever, to never leave him. If she had it in her power she would never let him leave this place, that they would never be parted again. "But I will stay with you for as long as you are here. For a brief moment my heart feels whole again."
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Date: 2015-01-26 04:01 am (UTC)His eyes travel back downward, past the loosely tied tunic he wears beneath his hauberk of golden chain, and he sees there something he knows had not been there before: a hint of scar, healed over when it should be fresh from a wound he'd had no hope of healing from, a wound that had drawn his last breath, and he spends a long moment staring at the way it peeks from his clothing, almost as if it shouldn't be there at all. It should't be, he supposes, just as Kili shouldn't be here, wherever they are.
"Where are we?" he asks, bringing one hand to his chest before looking back up at her, as if with renewed purpose. He hadn't believed this could last, seeing her and being with her and touching her, but it cannot be that they'd both be brought here only to be torn apart again if Kili isn't to be led to the Halls. Perhaps it is a foolish, fleeting thought, very much like the one he'd had of believing he could save them both, but Kili has never been one to flee from that. Foolish thoughts, it seems, have taken him to places he never could have imagined and here he sits, on the floor of the wood with the Elf-maiden who never should have loved him. This cannot be for nothing. "Tell me, amrâlimê, what is this place that it would bring you back to me? Just like our promise."