Kili (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
willnothide) wrote2014-12-17 01:32 am
willnothide) wrote2014-12-17 01:32 am
i saw the light fade from the sky
When Kili wakes, it's with a whimper.
He gasps for air next, eyes widening with panic as he clutches at his chest, searching for a wound he was quite sure had existed a mere moment ago and one that he cannot find now. Perhaps he'd imagined it, he thinks, though the ache that remains is something he cannot quite explain. He wears his armor but this is not Erebor, not Eren Luid, not even the green of the trees he can see above him can make him believe that he is in Hobbiton; no, it is a place that is entirely unfamiliar, but that is not of his concern, not yet.
"Fili," he grunts through ragged breath, "Fili, I've just had the strangest dream." He pauses, waiting for an answer but frowning when he receives none. "Brother? Nadad?"
Kili reaches a hand out to his side, expecting to be able to shake his brother awake but when he finds only grass beneath his fingers, he finally turns his head to the side to see nothing but empty space beside him. "Nadad?" he calls out again, and it hasn't been often that he's spoken in Khuzdûl on their journey, for it is not meant for anyone but their own to hear, but Kili has already sensed it. As sure as he is that he is now alive, he knows that his brother is not with him. It isn't until Kili sits up that he realizes that he is not, in fact, alone.
There are people around him, Men and women and children, all faces he does not recognize and in strange dress, the likes of which he has never seen. His breathing grows heavy, and it's then that Kili opens the fist still held against his chest to find his stone. The rune stone, the one that his mother had given him, sits as heavy in his hand as the weight of his failure to keep his promise to her does in his mind. Innik dê. Return to me. He hadn't, he won't, and Kili doesn't know by what means the stone has come back to him when he had passed the promise on to another, but he pushes himself to his feet so he can stumble into the nearby wood. He is grateful that those around him seem to pay him so little mind because Kili is certain he could not bear any pity for the tears that escape down his cheeks as his memories of his brother and of Thorin, of Erebor, of Tauriel and his own last moments, come rushing back to him.
He remembers it all now as he pushes his way through the trees: Thorin's cries and Fili's lifeless eyes when he had landed dead in front of him. He remembers the fury that had entirely outweighed his fear as he'd worked so hard to climb the stairs because in that moment, with his brother's pleas for them to run, to save themselves when it was so clear that they could do nothing to save him, ringing fresh in his mind, Kili had wanted nothing more than to destroy the monster that had killed his brother. He remembers Tauriel calling out his name, remembers Bolg driving that weapon into his chest, and he remembers looking into the elf maiden's eyes and knowing. Yes, he had known, Tauriel had come back for him. Amrâlimê, he'd told her once, and Thorin may well have had his head if he'd found out Kili spoke their secret language to an elf, but he is sure even now in his heart that it had been worth the risk. Amrâlimê, innik dê. Kili hadn't been able to save his brother nor truly avenge him, he hadn't been able to to see his mother join them in their rightful kingdom, but Kili remembers closing his eyes and taking comfort in knowing he was still loved before reuniting with his brother in the afterlife.
But everything is gone now.
Kili falls to his knees at the force of the realization, the stone dropping heavily to the forest ground, and he buries his head in his trembling hands as he tries to keep his mournful sobs quiet, even as they threaten to be torn from his throat with every breath he takes. He doesn't know much time passes before he hears the footsteps nearby, but they barely causes him alarm in his state because if he has lost everything, Kili doesn't know what he has to live for here. He misses it brother, he feels that so deeply, and it's worse now than it was when it happened because at least then, he was still fighting. He has no fight left in him anymore.
"Please," he whispers. "By Mahal, please, if I have been spared then take me again because there is nothing for me here."
He gasps for air next, eyes widening with panic as he clutches at his chest, searching for a wound he was quite sure had existed a mere moment ago and one that he cannot find now. Perhaps he'd imagined it, he thinks, though the ache that remains is something he cannot quite explain. He wears his armor but this is not Erebor, not Eren Luid, not even the green of the trees he can see above him can make him believe that he is in Hobbiton; no, it is a place that is entirely unfamiliar, but that is not of his concern, not yet.
"Fili," he grunts through ragged breath, "Fili, I've just had the strangest dream." He pauses, waiting for an answer but frowning when he receives none. "Brother? Nadad?"
Kili reaches a hand out to his side, expecting to be able to shake his brother awake but when he finds only grass beneath his fingers, he finally turns his head to the side to see nothing but empty space beside him. "Nadad?" he calls out again, and it hasn't been often that he's spoken in Khuzdûl on their journey, for it is not meant for anyone but their own to hear, but Kili has already sensed it. As sure as he is that he is now alive, he knows that his brother is not with him. It isn't until Kili sits up that he realizes that he is not, in fact, alone.
There are people around him, Men and women and children, all faces he does not recognize and in strange dress, the likes of which he has never seen. His breathing grows heavy, and it's then that Kili opens the fist still held against his chest to find his stone. The rune stone, the one that his mother had given him, sits as heavy in his hand as the weight of his failure to keep his promise to her does in his mind. Innik dê. Return to me. He hadn't, he won't, and Kili doesn't know by what means the stone has come back to him when he had passed the promise on to another, but he pushes himself to his feet so he can stumble into the nearby wood. He is grateful that those around him seem to pay him so little mind because Kili is certain he could not bear any pity for the tears that escape down his cheeks as his memories of his brother and of Thorin, of Erebor, of Tauriel and his own last moments, come rushing back to him.
He remembers it all now as he pushes his way through the trees: Thorin's cries and Fili's lifeless eyes when he had landed dead in front of him. He remembers the fury that had entirely outweighed his fear as he'd worked so hard to climb the stairs because in that moment, with his brother's pleas for them to run, to save themselves when it was so clear that they could do nothing to save him, ringing fresh in his mind, Kili had wanted nothing more than to destroy the monster that had killed his brother. He remembers Tauriel calling out his name, remembers Bolg driving that weapon into his chest, and he remembers looking into the elf maiden's eyes and knowing. Yes, he had known, Tauriel had come back for him. Amrâlimê, he'd told her once, and Thorin may well have had his head if he'd found out Kili spoke their secret language to an elf, but he is sure even now in his heart that it had been worth the risk. Amrâlimê, innik dê. Kili hadn't been able to save his brother nor truly avenge him, he hadn't been able to to see his mother join them in their rightful kingdom, but Kili remembers closing his eyes and taking comfort in knowing he was still loved before reuniting with his brother in the afterlife.
But everything is gone now.
Kili falls to his knees at the force of the realization, the stone dropping heavily to the forest ground, and he buries his head in his trembling hands as he tries to keep his mournful sobs quiet, even as they threaten to be torn from his throat with every breath he takes. He doesn't know much time passes before he hears the footsteps nearby, but they barely causes him alarm in his state because if he has lost everything, Kili doesn't know what he has to live for here. He misses it brother, he feels that so deeply, and it's worse now than it was when it happened because at least then, he was still fighting. He has no fight left in him anymore.
"Please," he whispers. "By Mahal, please, if I have been spared then take me again because there is nothing for me here."
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It had come upon her suddenly, the memories of events that had not happened to her yet, though she knew they were true all the same. Kili almost dying from the poison and how she saved him. The great dragon Smaug and his death by Bard. Parting with Kili to go with Legolas. The Orc armies. Ravenhill. And Kili. Her Kili.
She choked back another sob as it hurt anew at the memory. Why would this place gift her with such things if not to wound her beyond her ability to heal? What did it gain for so cruelly torturing her with a love gained and lost?
Better to have never loved at all than to have loved and lost.
It was some time until she noticed that her cries of mourning were not the only ones in the forest that day. She was angered, at first, for another daring to intrude on her grief, but her anger quickly gave way to weariness. Tauriel did not have it in her heart to hate another who seemed to be feeling a portion of her own grief.
Numb, she wandered through the forest, only belated realizing that she drew nearer to the sound, so quiet that surely no human years could have heard it. Perhaps because of her own pain she was more sensitive to it, perhaps her grief called out for a companion.
She was still a ways off when she recognized the form of the one sobbing. It was a form she knew all too well, having seen it in visions these past days. It was a form that could not exist in this world. Not like that.
"Eru, what have I done to deserve this?" she gasped. "Why would you show me the one I love? The one that I can never be with. Who would do such a thing?!"
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